Raising Healthy Daters
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, a time where it is imperative as ever to address the uncomfortable truth that dating violence can be present in teen relationships. Sadly, statistics indicate that one in three teen girls will be physically assaulted by a boyfriend. And teens who grow up in homes where domestic violence is present, are even more vulnerable to being abused or becoming the abuser in a teen dating relationship due to not having healthy relationships modeled for them at a critical learning point
While we can’t protect our children from everything, there are things we can do to help decrease the likelihood that our teens will experience teen dating violence. Here are six parenting tips to help our daughters be less vulnerable victims and to help our sons be less likely to abuse their dating partners.
CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT OF SAFETY.
Safety at Genesis not only pertains to someone’s physical surroundings, but also their emotional safety with themselves and their relationships. Teach your teenagers what safety is and what safety feels like. Ask them who are safe people they can share their feelings with? Don’t make fun of their feelings or minimize their feelings – no feelings are “good” or “bad,” they are just feelings. As we accept our children’s feelings for what they are, we provide emotional safety where children feel comfortable being themselves without judgment.
Teaching children about physical safety includes helping them identify what physical touches they feel comfortable with from a dating partner and what boundaries they want to set for themselves. Remind them that their boundaries are not dependent on other people and affirm that “safe” people or relationships will not try to pressure them to cross boundaries they are not comfortable with. Being in an abusive relationship can unfortunately come with feelings of shame around being judged or blamed. When parents create a sense of safety in the home, we increase the likelihood that children will disclose abuse because they feel safe to do so.
CREATE RELATIONAL BUFFERING.
Studies indicate that children become successful adults when they have positive and healthy relationships with multiple people. Besides building a healthy relationship with their parents, teens benefit from having healthy relationships with siblings, peers and other safe adults. The more people they have in their support system who are safe, the more support they will be able to draw on when they are going through hard times. Are there any sports coaches, faith leaders, or adult family relatives who you trust have your child’s best interest in mind? While staying watchful that your teen doesn’t form a one-on-one attachment with another adult, seek out positive role models in adults who provide guidance and encouragement to your teen.
FOCUS ON ENHANCING YOUR CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM.
A common form of abuse in relationships is emotional abuse, in which the abuser criticizes, demoralizes or withholds affection to damage the partner’s self-worth and further exert control over them. Helping your teen foster strong self-esteem may help them spot the warning signs of verbal or emotional abuse and prevent them from believing hurtful, demoralizing language used to tear them down. A few ways parents or guardians can do that is:
Demonstrate acceptance of their weaknesses and mistakes—taking those opportunities to learn and grow rather than be hard on themselves.
Celebrate differences in family members and other people.
Identify your child’s strengths and talents in a way that encourages them without comparing them to others.
Provide your child with opportunities to make decisions for themselves.
As teens grow older, their choices and decisions can grow harder and more complicated. Creating an environment where they can strengthen their sense of self and self-esteem will build a sense of empowerment in them, increasing their sense of personal power and positive identity.
CREATE A SENSE OF BELONGING, IDENTITY AND IMPORTANCE.
When teens feel a strong sense of belonging in a family unit, it decreases the likelihood that they will look elsewhere for belonging or attachment. Family rituals and traditions help children feel like they are a part of something bigger than them. Engaging in service projects as a family or attending community events strengthens their identity as a person and a member of the family. Providing teens the opportunity to focus on others and get outside of themselves can help them experience empathy for others and gratitude for the blessings they have.
TEACH CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS.
A common experience in adolescence is wanting to conform with the majority and not wanting to stand apart from the status quo. However, learning how to think for themselves, will be critical when teens start dating. We want them to recognize when a dating partner exhibits abusive patterns or red flags of abuse. Start now by helping your children observe and analyze people around them.
Teach kids what respect is, explain what rights each person has in a healthy relationship and challenge rigid gender roles. This will help set up your teens for success in recognizing when a dating partner might be trying to exert power or control over them.
BE A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR CHILD.
Children learn by observing more than listening to a lecture. When you take responsibility for your actions, you are modeling how they can take responsibility for their actions. If you don’t handle a parenting moment in the best way, apologize to your child and say you want a redo. This is so powerful in helping children learn how to take responsibility for their actions and try again. Teaching healthy conflict resolution skills through respectful conversations demonstrates to children how to use their words instead of fists to express anger. It teaches them how to compromise and listen to the other person. Parents can also be an example of how to love yourself, engaging in self-care and seeking support when needed. Especially if the child has grown up in a home where abuse occurred, showing a child that it’s okay to ask for help, like counseling, is a way for parents to support children as they begin their healing process.
When implementing new parenting techniques, it is common for parents to feel overwhelmed – that feeling is valid. Give yourself some grace by starting with one or two. Once you are able to put them into practice well, try to add more. While there is no such thing as a perfect parent, your efforts will go a long way in showing your children you care about them and want them to be safe in dating relationships. The above six skills will not only help your teens identify the red flags of abuse, but they will also help instill a healthy mindset, decreasing the risk of teens becoming abusive dating partners themselves.
This guest blog post was written by Genesis Chief Clinical Officer Ruth Guerreiro, LCSW-S.